My Penseive..

He's that one thought that's bugging me.. that what if..

I know my thoughts shouldnt be about him, but still I cant help it. I'll see him standing, talking, and my mind wanders.. I'll see him chilling, and my mind goes back to that day.. and I see him laughing, and I get chills. Reminiscing about what was, or didn't get to be, or what never will be, isnt healthy, right? Everyone tells me to ignore it than dwell on the circumstances, but shoot.. easier said than done.

Sometimes I doubt my 'emotional stronglhold' (so to speak) .. and I don't want to blame failed relationships and friendships on that, because I had control over my emotions at all times, but things never worked out. Its not that I dont trust enough, or care enough.. the question is ..who. Who do I care for? Me? Or them? Am I doing this to make them happy? Or is it to make me happy? But how do I know that I'm happy? And to what extent, how far do I go to sacrifice something, anything for anyone's happiness?

I'm young, but I'm not getting any older. Times I think of what it'd be like to have that person to hug me when my days' been a mess, as they always are.. sitting on the couch, my legs in his lap, he tickling my feet with a flower or feather, just because.. him combing my hair for me on a saturday, its a lazy day, who cares what i look like, but regardless I know that dimple in his left cheek is there just cuz I made him laugh, or we had a pillow fight, and I won.. his laughter rich and hearty, giving me those chills that multiply when he kisses right.. on .. my.. neck.

I'm sighing now, cuz I love music, I love writing, and I love reading.. and I imagine that feeling I get when I read a new story, when i hear a new song, or finally got that piece on the piano locked! finally! ((((LOL))) or when I pen a poem, or a short story, just cuz I had some time to kill, and figured 'what the hell'..

Yeah.. I like that.

That makes me feel good, makes me feel happy, something that a peanut-butter-&-jelly sandwich can only attempt to make me feel good. And I wonder, I can't explain love.. not even close, but I'm eager to know,learn, experience, understand what it is, what it feels like.. I can only say it grows from each day's birth, when all my thoughts are filled with wanting to know that he's happy, and him in my arms can give me butterflies and chills, and that when my eyes delve into the 'dappled pools of honey, that swirls with mischief and laughter' .. his eyes.. that love is easier said than done..

*sigh*