So I got this from another site, and I thought it was simply hilarious .. I just had to pass it on .. hope y'all enjoy it too!!
Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most
of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when
he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he
can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players
from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get
off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can
ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn
in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually
have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is
a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to
get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact
me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not
nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes
out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a
man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on
the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in
for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter
and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie
THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?
How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...
he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to
call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him,
"Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each
other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it
out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch,
you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look
great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for
a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually
button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but
we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from
his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get
to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Here's the most complete women's facts:
AJ's 50+ facts about women.
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel
like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant,
so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes
in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can
hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort
to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to
fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the
man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And
they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or
three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance
to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's
doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they
wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in
the shower.
16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment
that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that
reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of
clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day
trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like
wearing each day.
19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.
20. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea
about how she'll be in bed.
21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.
22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's
there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?
23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't
stick?"
24. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
25. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they
will talk for three hours.
28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall
asleep
afterwards.
30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of
getting lost using a shortcut.
31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it
means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.
33. The first naked man woman see is "Ken".
34. Women are looking for that one man to satisfy their every want and need;
Men are looking for every woman to satisfy that one want and need.
35. Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast-size.
36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand
turn.
37. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language
than it does in man-language.
38a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.
38b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.
39. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you
can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet
cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay
up
thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more
trouble)
42. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a
flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they
"left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it
themselves.
43. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.
44. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims
to the contrary. You don't see womens trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried do you?
45. Sex allows women to do three of their favorite things:
1) Telling men they're doing it wrong; "Not _there!_"
2) Demanding extra attention; "You can't stop yet!"
3) Martyring themselves; "That's all right, maybe next
time..."
46. It's OK for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see
straight men dancing together.
47. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet,
taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
48. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless
they really have 5 pounds to gain.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go
out and spend more time checking out other women.
50. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women'll always
catch men checking out other women.
51. The most embarrissing thing for women is to find another woman
wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say:
"Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
To be Continued....
